This guy makes me do things I dont like
You know DrBeard aint usually scared of nothing rite? Well I got this problem and it is really serios!
Theres this guy called Dildesh who keeps hanging around me and my boys and he says he wants to be our mate but we dont like him. He keeps pushing us around and he calls me fat bollocks and rubs his fist on my head and he says if I dont go round with him he will p!ss thru my letter box or set fire to my house.
I can handel most guys but u dont know Dildesh! He is a hard bastard and he carries a knife and matches and sniffs glue! He burgles houses and he broke this mans jaw and went to jail!!
He keeps making me do stuff I dont like and could get me into trouble. He keeps telling me to call my mum a slag and if I dont he will put acid on my bell end!! So I called her a slag and she has a go at me and tells my granddad and he has a right benny at me and took away my disco equipment!!
He tries to make me sniff glue but when I put the bag over my face I hold my breath cos I dont want to do it. He makes me go to peoples houses and knock on the door and ask to use their toilet even tho I dont need to go!
The other day he made my friend Richard take down his pants and he whipped his ass with a piece of cable. Then he made me whip him!
He has told me I gotta steal my granddad’s air rifle now so we can go and shoot old people over by the canal. He said it wont kill them but you can blind em and it will hurt them and I dont wanna do it! But if I dont I am scared he will put acid on my knob or burn my house! He kept saying “You betta get that rifle tomoro or I’ll cut you up bad! I’ll fockin cut you up!”
I dont know who to talk to but I am really scared! U dont know what Dildesh is like. He is a pyscho! I dont wanna be his friend and I want him to leave me alone but I only hang round with him and do stuff he tells me cos I am scared what he will do!
If I call the police they cant arrest him cos he aint done anything they can do him for! I dont know what to do! I thought about getting the air rifle and shooting him in the eys so he cant see and cant get me but if the police find out I am dead meat!
Help me please!
DILDESH UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!
Yo ponces!
This is what went down with Dildesh. Or I shud say DilDO!!
After he threatened me I decided to get my dad’s air rifle and go shoot some old hags like he said we would. Better some old biatch gets shot in the face than me! They’re old anyway so I got more to live for.
So we went over the canal and he told me to shoot this old woman who was walkin in the distance. I took a shot at her but missed on purpose! I thought I was outsmarting him cos if I didnt shoot anyone I aint gonna get in shiat and he aint gonna do anything to me but when I missed he prodded me in the belly with a mouse trap and it snapped on me!!! It fockin hurt like a bastard and I aint ashamed to say I started crying and begged him not to do it again. I thought I was gonna die!!
He told me if I miss again he will put the mouse trap on my bollocks next time!
I was so fockin mad and so scared I lost control. It was like he pushed me too far and I flipped out and he unleashed a monster in me! I got the rifle and pointed it at him and said “YO FOCKIN PONCE!!!!” and he started gettin scared and begged me to put the gun down!
I told him to pull down his jeans and pants then I shot him in the c0ck!!!!
He started cryin and I told him if he ever comes near me again or tells the police I will shoot his balls off! Then I legged it out of there!
I aint seen Dildesh again!
This just proves that you gotta stand up for urself + be a man! If u r a poncey boy you will get bullies mess u about and get u in trouble. Fock em!!! Grab your balls and be a man!!
I’m 25 man and depresesd as fock!
Its my birthday 2day and it sucks bad! I got up and my mum didnt give a shiat she threw a card and a tenner at me and said happy birthday and that was it. I call my homie we go for a drink.
When we are out I see these hot birds and I go upto them and say “It’s my birthday today” and one goes “really? happy birthday” and turn backto her friend. My mate aks her to give me a birthday kiss and she looks at me and says no. I say to the other chick what about you and she tells me they’re having a private convo.
I do some kino and go cocky funny on her azz and say yo it’s my birthday and I give you a present by kissing me and I’ll let you see my tummy banana if you are lucky.
She smirked and says yeah yeah and waves her hand like shes swatting me away like a fly. So I neg them and say they look like drunks and the other bird says whatever and tells us to leave them alone. I stand there and then she says to pizz off!
That sucked! Now Im at home chillin and Im a f’kin joke and I feel like punching myself in the face!! I just want a chick to shag that would be a good birthday present but I keep getting rejected.
I think I need to change my ways now I’m 25 and stop being like a gangsta and be more like James Bond and start talking smooth to girls.
What do you guys think?
Beard got back?
I was in da college canteen today + these hot biatches were checkin me out when I walked past and I said “what yo lookin at?” and 1 of em asked if I wear a thong and I did cocky funny on their asses and said “why dont u come to the toilet and find out?” They started laughin and said they couldnt so I said “why? You scared of my trouser snake?”
U gotta be forward with em man! Dont be scared to show u r a man and u got a knob and balls!! They was well into it and laughin like bastards so I was gonna escalate and do some kino on em but I walked off to talk to my mate to show em biatches I dont need them.
But when I walked off I heard 1 of em say “check that booty” and the other one said “baby got back!” and they both started laughin.
What does “baby got back” mean?
Anotha ponce runs from da doctor!
I went to college this morning and dude pulled up in his car by me. I have been gaming his girlfriend + I made him look like a spaz in front of her so he was prob after revenge. I was gonna leg it but He said he aint gonna hit me he just wants to talk and he got out the car.
I asked him why he dont wanna fight and he said he dont solve his issues like that. He said he feels sorry for me and thinks I need to get a life and some friends. He is bigger than me but he was a total AFC (average frustated chum) wuss givin me a big lecter on why I should not do things like that and all that sh*t! hahahaa. I kept shruging my shoulders and was like whatever dude!
He said hes been nice this time but if I do it again he wont be so nice and he got in his car and drove off!
hahaha what a p*ssy!
Everyone is on my case but i aint scared of nothing no more and I do what I want anytime anywhere any place! You kuys can say what you want but it is cos you dont have the balls to do what I do!
The Tiger Game – How I lost my girlfriend
In my last relationship me and my girl used to play the Tiger Game where she would pretend to be a police woman trying to capture a tiger (me) who escaped from the zoo.
I’d growl and crawl round the floor and stuff with my little home made tail and ears and she wud try to capture me without me mauling her. It was the best fun we ever had even though there was no sex involved.
I started seeing someone new last month and I suggested this to her. We gave it a go, but she wasn’t really into it and said it was stupid and weird.
How can I get her to play and actually enjoy it? Or do I need to find a more fun girl?
I got this idea that my new girlfriend needed time to get to know me as the tiger. I figured once she got to know me in my role, she would feel more comfortable playing around. So I decided to wear my tiger ears, makeup and tail when we ate dinner and show her the romantic side.
It didn’t go so well. We had a candlelit dinner at my house and I went to a lot of effort and she wouldn’t even give the tiger a chance! She told me she wasn’t into weird games and she left!
I phoned her and told her we can forget about the tiger game altogether, but she said we’re through.
Now I’m very sad. I want my exgirlfriend back (she loved the tiger game), but I know there is NO WAY she’ll ever forgive me for what happened because I asked her to dress up as my best friend’s mum.
I lost everything!
I got 2 words for ya!!!
So I was chillin with this ho in the park last nite eatim a kabab and drinking cider. She is all over me tryin to feel me up and keeps tryin to kiss me and stuff and I say Let me drink my fockin cider!
She sits there all sad and stuff so I say Look baby, I do u a favour and I stand up and get out my cok right and I say I got 2 words for ya…….
SUCK IT!!!
So she starts suckin it while Im drinkin my cider!
A lot of u losers probably go to a chick and let her decide when to give u a blo job right or u r like please will u give me a blo job! but u gotta TELL them biatches and take control like an alpha male!!!
Anyway shes suckin right and this old AFC (AVERAGE FRUSTRATED CHUMP) comes round walkin his dog and hes like what are you doing and stuff. The biatch stops suckin and I tell her to get back down there and carry on and she does.
So Im talking to this loser while a chick is suckin my dik and i tell him what does it look like, u ponce! and I spit my cider right in his fockin face!
He goes off runnin and screaming and says hes gonna call the pigs on me so I throw my cider bottle and even tho he is real far away it lands on his head and breaks!
Then I do the chick from behind!
When I stop I look down and the AFCs dog has eat my fockin kebab!!!! WANKER!!
I was gonna kick his ass but I dont like cruelty to animals!
The George McFly Backshot Technique
This is a technique for pulling all da women I invented after I watched Back to the Future other nite. remember how Marty + George come up with a plan to get Loraine to go for George. Marty will try to feel her tits so she gets pissed off then George will come + rescue her and pretend to beat Marty up. Problem is Biff is in the car when he tries but he hits him anyway and knocks him out and Loriaine goes off with him!
Women love strong guys who can defend them so this is where my technique works.
I call it the “George McFly Backshot” and all u need is a big tough friend and a chick u want to pull.
What u do is YOU take the part of Marty and tell your friend you will help him pull a hot bird. Tell him u will feel her up till she gets mad and when you give him the signal he will come, beat u up and rescue her. Now he THINKS he is coming to save the day and HE will get the girl. But you are gonna backshot him at the last minute!
Here’s what to do………
You go over and start talking to a hot chick and u be really cool and friendly with her. When u are talking u give the signal to your friend and he will come over and attack you. He won’t hit u hard tho cos he THINKS it’s pretend. So when you dont react or show any pain it will make you look like a hard bastard then you kick him in the bollocks for REAL and knock him down. Its ok he wont be expecting it so you will get the upper hand.
Now from the hot chick’s view she will see a cool guy (you) come to talk to her and then this big tough bully (ur friend) come and attack u for no reason. But she will see you defend yourself and take him on easily with one kick! She will fall for u just like Loraine fell for George!
The bad thing is you will have to shoot your friend in the back but u will be busy boning the chick to care!
This is field tested so I kno it works + it is what I do all the time now!
I got rejected! It happens to everyone tho!
Wassup dogz!
I went out on the pull again today + was going round town looking for hot biatches!
I saw this fit bird who was with a boyfriend. I followed em round the mall for ages and he went to the toilets for a dump and she waited outside for him to come back so I decided this was a great time to approach her!
I went upto her and said “Yo! Drop dat chiken dinner and get wit da winner”
She looked at me confused and said “Chicken dinner What’s that supposed to mean” and I didnt know what to say so I started going cocky + funny on her. I said it was her lucky day cos she gets to meet me and she looked at me like I was a nutter and told me she was waiting for her boyfriend. I thought that bitch was a waste of my time so I left her! I told her her boyfriend was probably havin a wank in the toilets cos he aint satisfied! She looked well pissed off!
I found another woman and when I tried to talk to her she waved me off and said she’s not interested in talking to me. I got a bit upset. I dont care what you all say it hurt my facking feelings cos she was really snappy.
She got sympathetic and said she had a bad day and didnt mean to take it out on me. I said “you would never go with a man like me I wont even bother you any more” and she got really nice. She said I seem nice but she is not looking for anyone.
She was fit with massive tits and looked like Liz McDonalds from Coronation Street!
It suxx to get rejected and it is embarrassing but you gotta take it like a man. Everyone gets rejected + it aint cos they r ugly or a looser. You gotta get rejected loads before you score. This is my lesson to u!
But I think I need to work on my pimping game skils. I think I’m gonna start using my freestyle rapping skills more and get some rhymes down I’m gonna use. Chicks love that!
One of my top tricks to get laid TONITE!!
What do hot biatches like more than anythin in a man?
Good looks?
cocky + funny attitude?
Intelligence?
Big c0ck?
No! All wrong!
Those biatches want MONEY!! They are all gold diggers + it don’t matter what they say cos its true + they aint gonna admit it. If u got the cash it don’t matter if you are fat or a wuss or ugly cos you can get away with it!
Now you are probably saying “Oh Dr Beard, I aint got no money, I am a poor little scrubber, so I stand no chance”. I say you don’t need money. You just have to fake it!!
Genious!!!
The other week I got myself a suit and a top hat and been wearing it round town. I look well rich man and all the hot babes cant keep their eyes off me!! I started talkin to these chicks and they were askin why I am dressed so snappy + I tell em its cos I am rich and I was tellin em about my mansion and cars. I was being cocky and funny and calling em peasants and scrubbers. They loved it!
They all wanted me to fock em after that and I did! They expected me to take em home and show them all my riches and I told em to piss off.
I know loads of you ponces will be saying “ooh Dr Beard that’s fake and it is wrong, my mummy will smack me for lying blah blah!” I say who cares, I got laid! It’s an easy way to get laid. You just have to dump the chicks before they find out ur lying and move on to the next one!
I have field tested this tip so don’t you skonners gimme any shiat. I know what I am talkin about!
Dr Beard - From Wimp to Pimp 