I got 2 words for ya!!!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

So I was chillin with this ho in the park last nite eatim a kabab and drinking cider. She is all over me tryin to feel me up and keeps tryin to kiss me and stuff and I say Let me drink my fockin cider!

She sits there all sad and stuff so I say Look baby, I do u a favour and I stand up and get out my cok right and I say I got 2 words for ya…….

SUCK IT!!!

So she starts suckin it while Im drinkin my cider!

A lot of u losers probably go to a chick and let her decide when to give u a blo job right or u r like please will u give me a blo job! but u gotta TELL them biatches and take control like an alpha male!!!

Anyway shes suckin right and this old AFC (AVERAGE FRUSTRATED CHUMP) comes round walkin his dog and hes like what are you doing and stuff. The biatch stops suckin and I tell her to get back down there and carry on and she does.

So Im talking to this loser while a chick is suckin my dik and i tell him what does it look like, u ponce! and I spit my cider right in his fockin face!

He goes off runnin and screaming and says hes gonna call the pigs on me so I throw my cider bottle and even tho he is real far away it lands on his head and breaks!

Then I do the chick from behind!

When I stop I look down and the AFCs dog has eat my fockin kebab!!!! WANKER!!

I was gonna kick his ass but I dont like cruelty to animals!

Happy new years homies!!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Yo!

Sendin’ shouts out to my homeboys! Sorry I aint been around to give u my advice + help u out but ur favorite badboy Drbeard has been locked in jail for asaultin police officers!

I was out clubbin over xmas, mackin on some fine ass chicks and these punks came over + accused me of stealin their girls. I got in their faces and said “Fock off cos finders keeprs loosers weepers” and they were almost cryin and beggin for me not to steal their birds and I tell them “I do what I want when I want” and I told them to go and suck their own dicks!

They started acting hard so I headbuted 1 of em in the nose and then elbowed the other one in the face and went crazy on their asses! Lucky for THEM the cops came in and stopped me from killin em.

They said I gotta go to jail and I said “ok pigs, but I gotta say goodbye to my chicks first”. So I go over and start makin out with these 2 fit birds and start feeling the ones tits while the other is rubbin my bell end. They r going crazy for me and want to do it right there but this police man comes and pulls me away and puts me in handcuffs. My girls r crying and begging for them to let me go and I get mad so I kicked the police man in the bollocks!

Then they’re all comin at me with trunchons and tear gas and stuff and I’m taking em all on for ages but loads of em come and overpower me.

When I was in jail they said i was the toughest opponent they ever had! But I must do my time and so I did.

But now I am free! So gonna be hooking up with some hot chicks and gonna have me a boner fest!!

Word up!

Dr Beard

Dragon Juice

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Me and my mates were messing around with a chemistry set and we were working on a chemical to deform some gypsies who stole my mates bikes.

We never worked out how to do it but while we were experimenting we come up with this potion and my mate sniffed it. He said it really burned his throat then everything was fine. I thought I’d give it a sniff too and I did. Then all of a sudden my mate let out this massive snort!! He sounded like a dragon and it was awesome! After a few minutes I did the same. We went down to his mum and in our snorty voice we both said “Record the Simpsons cos we’re going out” and she started whimpering! We scared lots of other people in the street too and one old guy tried to run and fell over. It was hilarious!

We called the stuff Dragon Juice but that aint its real name of course but we cant work out how to make it again. Does anyone here know what chemicals could do something like I’ve described? It would be a massive help and I’d be so happy. Thanks!

Somebody aslo mentioned a potion that can make men impotent or gay and run around like ponces. Do you know how to make that? We could use this on the gypsies and it would be hilarious. I could use it in my pick up game too to get rid of any competition.

Dr Beard’s secret to pulling hot biatches!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Dr Beard - From Wimp to Pimp

Yo!

U know I am an expert with  the ladies + ur all wonderin what my secret is. Well I am here to giv u some tips on gettin women so sit back + listen. I hav been pullin chicks everywhere I go for years and they cant hold themselfs back. I am a very good looking guy (ppl say I look like David Shimmer from Friends) and I dress in all the top names like Burberry and Von Dutch and I wear bling. But that aint enuff to get you to bone loads of hot biatches!

Some of you poncey titmonkeys probably think you look good so you can have any chick then you go upto them and your all like “ooh I’m really into you. You are so hot, you are too good for me, please cut off my balls and make me your biatch!” and you buy…

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Thieving Gypsy bastards!!!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Me & my mates went over the park on our bikes today. We were riding around and pulling wheelies and stuff, but we needed to sit down and rest so we sat on the grass eating our sandwiches – except Greg who ate a roast beef dinner cos his mum had already made it. Dave spotted 3 guys walking towards us. Gypsies!
They came over to us and started asking questions:

“What ya doing, Mush?” asked one. (gypos call everyone Mush)
“Just eating sandwiches but we gonna have to go before my dad comes looking for me” said Dave getting scared.
“Nice bike, I’ll buy it off ya” said another gypo.
“I can’t, my dad won’t let me sell it”.
“Just let me ride it, ok Mush?” he said,. He picked up Dave’s bike and sat on it.
“Yo Mush, what you eatin’?” the gypsy asked Greg.
“Just a beef dinner. Do you want some?”
“Na. How much money you got?”
“None, but I can go and get some if you want” Greg replied. He was scared too.

The gypsy on the bike said if they didn’t get some money now we’d all have a snake burn. I heard of Indian burns and a Snakebite and both were painful but I’d never heard of a snake burn before but Greg knew what they meant and he sat there trembling with fear and had tears in his eyes.

“Look mate I promise I’ll get you some money just please don’t give me a snake burn. Come on mate I ain’t done nothing to you.”

The gypsy turned Dave’s bike upside down so the wheels were in the air and started winding the peddles really fast. The other two gypsies grabbed Greg pulled his trousers down and pushed him against the spinning bike wheel causing it to graze against dick!! It made a really horrible grinding noise and Greg screamed out in pain!

They did it again and I decided to make a run for it. I jumped on my bike and rode off as fast as I could leaving Dave and Greg behind. They probably thought I was a coward but I was going to get help.

I returned to the scene as fast as I could with my grandad but by this time Dave and Greg were lying on the grass crying and holding their burning cocks. The gypsies had gone and so had Dave and Greg’s bikes!!

We got back to my place and my grandad called the cops but the cops don’t like to deal with gypsies, so the bikes are probably gone forever. Bastards!

If the cops don’t deal with this problem im gonna deal with it myself! It’s always the same. Whenever we go out we get bullied by gypsies and get our stuff stolen and I’ve had enough!! I want them to know they can’t try this on us any more and I’m looking for ways we can protect ourselves. If anyone has any ideas let me know in the comments.

Disarm ur competition with a bollock pop!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Anotha tip from me I been field testing. If you ever have some ponce mackin on your bird just wait till he comes near you then flick his balls. Dont punch or hit hard cos it makes you look like you wanna fight but if u give him a flick it will pop his bollocks and it hurts so bad he wont even be in the mood to go after your chick for the rest of the day!

i tried it out on my mate Kev yesterday. He was digging a hole in his yard and he stopped to have a drink of water so I went upto him and flicked him in one of his bollocks. I pissed myself laughin cos he spit the water and lay down in the soil! It was ages til he got back up and he didn’t even wanna fight me. It was like all his masculinity was gone!

I tried it again on this kid in a shop. He was lookin at a Playstation mag so I walked past him and said “yo mate” he said “what?” and I give him a flick to the bollock! You should hav seen him! What a ponce! He kept saying he needed an ambulance. I couldnt breath cos I was laughin so much!

Be careful tho cos if u dont hit the bollock dead on they wont be hurt and will come after you! So u betta practice on your dog or some little kids first!

This is a wicked way to disarm your opponents tho when u get it right!

I Pissed in a Fat Chick’s mouth

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Shouts to all my students and fans. Hope you are using my advice and techniques to get some quality pussay!

I been having a bad time lately with a stalker called Amy who started dissing me on Twitter cos I was defending my fellow PUA Julien Blanc of RSD and she started making fun of my dad who died a few months ago.

disgusted

She thinks just cos we are real men and we like sex, we must be evil rapists. U know I am a bad boy and everything but I only pork chicks who want me! If they say no I move on to someone else cos a pick up artist like me has loads of options.

But u get these fat hairy feminist types and their captain save a ho white knight chumps who are like 10 year old kids when it comes to sex and think its dirty and we should be ashamed to express our sexuality. Or theyre like prude old women and start screaming rape if someone even mentions the word “sex”.

This Amy biatch aint gotta worry about that tho cos she’s a fat ugly pig and no guy would ever want to have sex with her. This is probably why she hates on us pick up artists cos we get laid a lot and we only go for the hot chicks while she’s at home stuffing her face with cake and crying cos nobody wants her.

Anyway she’s been stalking me for ages and keeps negging me to try and get my attention. This is one of the bad things about being an alpha man. I get lots of haters who are jealous and lots of ugly chicks who get obsessed with me.

I tried to ignore her but she kept re-tweeting me, making pigeon pics of me and is acting really desperate and needy. She acts really tough in front of her friends and keeps slagging me off but secretly she’s been inboxing me and its obvious shes been wanting my cock & experience being with a real man. Like Ive awoken her sexuality.

Last nite I told her to come and meet me over the garages by my house and we can have some ciders and see what happens. We met at 8pm and hung out and drunk 3 cans of cider each!

Now u guys all know Dr Beard hates fatties but I had a plan! 😉

She was getting really horny and kept looking like she wanted to kiss me so I told her  she can suck on my knob. But what she didnt know was Id been drinking loads of Pepsi ™ before I met her and was bursting for a piss.

She got on her knees and took my massive cock in her mouth. I grabbed her by the hair and started pissing in her mouth!! She started going mental and pulled away so I pissed in her face and started cock slapping her while my piss was spraying all over her. It was so funny! I couldn’t stop laughing but she was flipping out, screaming and swearing at me. I thought she is gonna attack me so I ran off.

My cock was still dangling out as I was running away! Lol.

Dr Beard THE MOVIE!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

If I wanna make my own film what do I do to get it aired? I am gonna be directing and staring in it as main actor but I need extras and sets and some hot babes.
My idea is really good so I think it will interest loads of people.

I play a cop but I aint like other cops cos I dont play by the rules & im always banging hot babes and I’ve porked all the fit police women. The officers say I am a loose canon and they cant control me and I dont come into work in uniform I come in jeans and my von dutch tshirt and burberry hat.

I’m working on a case with some terorists but one day the sarge says he wants my badge and he’s firing me so I give him my badge and tell him to stick it up his japseye!!

But I carry on working on the case on my own and no one can keep me down. In the end I’ve got all the cops and the terrorists after me and I’m taking them all on at once!

Yeah, sounds good eh? but there’s a twist! I don’t use guns so I have to take them on hand to hand!! Luckily I was trained by this old japanese dude who showed me marital arts tricks no one knows about so I can move faster than anyone and backflip 5 times in the air.

So that’s it. I gotta work out for the movie cos I wanna look muscley like Vin Diesel and show off my body but I will get a trainer to help me.

OR I can be in the new Star Wars movie Force Awakens and I can be the hero who stops Luke from getting raped at the last minute & kicks the bad guys ass with lightsabre nunchuks!!!
What do I do then? Do I make a preview version on camcorder and send it to a movie producers? Anyone who knows hit me up + I’ll remember u when I start making the money.

The Dr Whupped ass!

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

So Monday im tryin to hook up with this bird I know from college and I go do some jokes on her and say “Where yo hangin out tonight?” and she says she is havin dinner at this italian restrant with her bf and I think fock it she got a bf and this is a blow off! But this chick was digging me so Im standing there and I think fock this, fock my fear! An I say to her “Ill see you there” and I walk off.

I thought I will go and meet her and let thr jerkmonkey borefriend sit there and shut is godamn mouth when I hit on her. I put on my von dutch hat and tshirt and my baggie jeans and go to the restrant. The poncey waiter tried to stop me going in cos I dress too street and I tell him I got business to sort out with someone and push past him.

I see the girl I’m after sitting with her bf and I just go up and talk to her and I dont care what anyone says. She gets all embarrassed and tells me I should go and I say “you comin with me” and she is brushing me off. Then her bf asks who I am and I tell him to mind his business and I throw his meal over him and get out of there as fast as I can!

I made him look like a spastic in front of his girlfriend and I when I talk to her today she thinks I am a assh*le now and was saying I am retarded and I need treatment. I said she is cute when she is angry and she walked off but she will be back! Girls love the bad boys and what they say and what they think arent the same so if she hates u it means she’s into you.

So listen up everyone and if a girl says she has a bf say to yaself “fock fear” and make him look like a spaz and shelll be yours!

The worst night of my life! :(

Posted on by Dr Beard PUA

Guys you gotta help me! I was cleaning my room with the vacume cleaner and I was only wearin my boxers and my c0ck fell out and got sucked into the vacume!! I couldnt get it out no matter what I tried!
I know u ponces will think I was gettin a blo job from it but I dont need one cos I got my chicks to do that.

I called my mate and he started laughing so I slamed the phone down. I tried pulling my c0ck out but it hurt like hell. I thought if I sit there my erecton will go and itll shrink but it didnt work!

I turned the vacume off and unatached the hose. It was easier to get around but I still had the hose hangin off my knob! I tried blowin down the hose to try and make it pop out the other side but nothing worked.

My mum was gonna be back from Bingo soon and I had to do something quick. I tried to cover the hose with my baggy jeans but I couldnt get them on around the hose!

I thought if I put butter on it I can slip it out so I went down to the kitchen and started puttin butter on my cock. It was messy and went all on the floor and just then my mum arrived home!!!

I tried to run back upstairs but I slipped on the butter I dropped on the floor and I landed on my back. I hurt myself real bad but the worst part was my mum came in the kitchen and saw me lying on my back with the hose hangin off my c0ck!!

She started callin me a pervert and told me to get dressed but I couldnt and I had to tell her how it got stuck. I dont think she believes me.

I still couldnt get it off so the only thing we could do is go to the hospital. We dont have a car so my mum asked one of the neighbours to take us. I covered myself with a blanket but my mum already told him what I did and he kept laughing all the way there. He never spoke to me or anything cos he kept laugging. If I didnt have a hose stuck on my c0ck I would have punched him in the mouth!

It aint as though Im the only one who has done it before so he can shut the fock up!

I had to go to A and E and sit there in front of everyone. They were all laughin too. It sucked so bad! If it was a normal day I would have kicked all their asses and picked up some of the hot nurses. One of the nurses made a funny joke and said “Hello there big boy!” I reckon I could of pulled her but I wasnt in the mood.

Anyway the doctor got the hose off by using some cream and I went home. My mum wont talk to me now and said my gran and grandad would be ashamed of me if they were still alive. It is her birthday today and I gave her some chocolates and a card and she said she doesnt take presents from perverts and said I owe her a new vacume cleaner cos she aint gonna use that one any more.

I think all the neighbours know and its gonna get out everywhere. I am a big laughin stock and I dont know how I can get my reputation back! 😦 I am thinking of running away from home but I dont know where to go. Life sucks!!